today i felt...

up a statue of a small boy. But, I also felt normal. Never thought I'd write those two sentences back to back...

Forgive me dark father, for I have sinned. It has been a week and a day since my last use of illegal substances...and substances that should be illegal but aren't because we all know that the average person isn't interesting unless at least half your brain is swimming in vodka. Bringing back prohibition would be asking for the second civil war. Straight edge kids vs...well, vs my friends, and just about every chode who ever stepped foot in Hollister.

It was my day off. I, being almost completely Irish, had the day after St. Patricks day off, and I did not touch a drop of what has been coursing through my veins since before birth. I'm surprised I wasn't struck by lightening by good ol' St. Patty himself. But I did it, and he didn't.

The poster child for inbreed trash kept staring at me while I ate lunch today. After consulting with my luncheon partners about the situation I showed a little cleavage, winked to the point where she probably assumed I was having a stroke, and went back to eating my delicious samich.

Now, if that same situation had occurred 2 days ago I would have most likely flipped the table over and set the eatery ablaze. What I'm stabbin at, kids, is that I think I am getting better. Who says you can't teach an old dog to stop humping guests?

So lets all raise our vitamin waters and repeat after me..."here's to hoping I didn't just jinx myself, and if I did, here's to hoping I have my ski mask on me when I actually do snap."